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You tell me... OK, fine, be that way! When I think of a description, I'll type it here. Or maybe here ---> x But probably not there | | | V |
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wICQ Status: |
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Needed to Complete My |
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wTuesday, July 23, 2002 | |
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i have a kyle doll that i take (almost) everywhere i go... sometimes i even manage to get the pictures developed without losing the camera... 
ok, that last one was me ;) posted by Jenny on 7/23/2002 06:38:00 PM |
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wThursday, July 18, 2002 | |
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i was sooo late for that interview. the directions they gave sucked. still it's basically an example of how i can't follow directions. the guy asked me some questions anyway. i've had so many things to say lately i just don't have the patience to commit them to words. i did eventually im the pb after 4 days and told him i officially hated the idea that we weren't going to talk anymore. we've been talking late in to the night on the nights were both online, which is weird, since we hadn't really done that since way back before we ever fooled around. ::sigh:: oh well. yeah, so right now i'm in a hotel room on my new laptop, my old-yet-new-to-me laptop. it's a long story, but let's just say in an attempt to feel numb while i was im-ing with him about the break up i bid on a laptop on ebay and no one outbid me. don't get me wrong, i had priced a used one out thinking if i ever go back to school i can take notes with it (incidentally, the keyboard is cramped and my hand keeps hitting the left mouse button...), so i did get a good deal, i just really can't afford it right now. anyway, i'll write about my therapist later, i'm going to disneyland this weekend, a lot, so i should stop writing in my journal and go spend way too much money on theme park sweets! ok, maybe not, but it's not a good time to go in to it. posted by Jenny on 7/18/2002 05:40:00 PM |
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wFriday, July 12, 2002 | |
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i actually got called in for a 2nd interview for that job. i have no idea how that happened, i was less than dynamic, which was the type of personality they say they're looking for. hell, when i was standing in front if the group introducing myself my voice sounded pathetic and when i put my hand out while i was talking it was shaking. then i went to a movie screening my mom's office was having. i felt horrible. i left early. all i really wanted was some popcorn, and they didn't have any. my stomach was this tight little ball all day yesterday, i couldn't eat anyting because i knew it would be bad... but then before the interview i knew i should eat so i bought a power bar or whatever... turned out to be 6 weight watcher's points, ouch. now i'm in my mom's office. i went on aim, just cause. he was there but he left. i was thinking maybe i'd ask him sometime tomorrow if maybe we could keep in touch through email sometime or something. maybe that's no a good idea. anyway, i just remembered something big. the campaign called again last night and asked me if i would be their point person at another protest today. good thing i remembered while i still had time to get there! when i was talking on the phone with them about this they really wanted me to be up, and convince them that i can really get the other people in to it. i just couldn't. i sounded pathetic, i didn't like hearing myself on the phone. i suppose the fact that i'm managing to do things is good. but i have to say, being in the car with myself for almost 2 hours back and forth yesterday sucked. i have to drive even father today, so i guess i better go, wish me luck/ anybody? bueller? bueller? posted by Jenny on 7/12/2002 02:11:00 PM |
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wThursday, July 11, 2002 | |
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i just absolutely couldn't sleep last night. i felt all choked up like i was going to cry but i never did. sometime around 6am i actually thought about calling him cause maybe that would just induce crying and then i'd get that out of my system. but that is such an incredibly bad idea on so many levels. i'd be better off taking his name out of my cell phone, since i don't have his number written down, that'd preclude any such thoughts in the future. my knee really hurt all night. possibly a consequence of lying in a ball all night. this morning it's my knee and shoulder, so that's a working theory. also, it was probably the hottest night all year and i was wrapped up in my big blanket all night. i'm so pathetic. i really want to stop being so sad about this soon. maybe some more thoughts later... (hey, i was lying in bed for 10 hours, i thought a lot) right now i have to try to psych myself up for this interview. as it is now, i don't really feel like driving myself out there for an hour. maybe my mom will take of work for a few hours before her big event she's planning? ok, probably not. i should also try to figure out a way to get out of going to that, cause, i mean, not in a good mood here... posted by Jenny on 7/11/2002 09:14:00 AM |
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wWednesday, July 10, 2002 | |
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earlier i was trying to find a place in my house to just be. my mom was downstairs watching tv. i took the remote from her and curled up on the loveseat in a ball. she was sitting on the couch just trying to talk to me not getting the hint that i didn't want to. (not getting the hint and apparently ignoring me when i said "i don't want to talk" and "leave me alone" she was waiting for my dad to come home from "using the computer" at her sisters house, something i'm still skeptical isn't a code word for sex... so then i went upstairs to watch something on pbs in my parent's room. but then he came home and starts doing this weird thing he does where he comments on it, then takes the remote and starts watching something about war and blowing things up. ok, fine, i'll go get in bed, that's where my blanket is anyways. so now i'm lying in bed generally feeling like crap. and i can recognize that things had gotten really bad between us because of the way i am. the way i am right now anyways. i mean, the reason this happened tonight was basically because i'm at a real low right now. as i was lying there it felt like breaking up was causing it, but i know it's the other way around. so i'm thinking of all these things i'm going to type in my journal so i don't forget them. (and inevitably i do, like for example, that part of the reason it's my fault is i never say "hey, this is what's bothering me" or "i don't like the way i'm being treated" in clear enough "come right out and say them" ways) i was even thinking about going to sit in the laundry room, cause the washers on and it's small and dark and i maybe don't have to hear myself think. ok, so the whole feeling was incredibly similar to my real low a year ago (when i went on prozac). and i was thinking of this journal entry i wrote at the time where i talk about im-ing someone just to talk, and at the time i remember it was the pb (back when being friends meant we were actually friendly.) it was pretty soon after this i told him about the depression. in the last year i was thinking that i've been changing and growing as a person. i suppose he's really seen me go through denial about my depression (aka my fake self), admit i had it, and then when i went on prozac (that was when we got together) and then withdrawl from that (not pretty) and now want to a lower point again. maybe someday there will be somebody who will want to hold my hand through the low parts, that remains to be seen at this point. ok, so then i was wondering if, even though i've changed, if i act any differently. i realize that my family just has no capacity to see any change in me. i wish i could talk to someone about this stuff, but there really is no one who knows enough to help me out here. well anyway, i thought i'd add that old entry just to see. 2001-06-12 - 11:38 p.m. well, i'm sure i was circling around something really deep and insightful earlier, but i accidentally closed the window, and since my anxiety level (and i don't really know what anxiety is, i just use that word thinking it must be accurate) is ever fluctuating those thoughts are lost forever i was going to say this at the end of the other thing, but i remember it now, so here it goes i think i had an actual panic attack last night i keep telling myself i'm going to write this one paper (forgetting for a minute all of the many other ones i have stacked up) and then missing the deadline so last night i was going to stay up all night and just do it (i used to be able to knock this things out when i was really under pressure, but something changed) ok, so i drank my normal amounts of caffeine all day (although looking back i might not have eaten, i had a spoonful of peanut butter... but nothing else springs to mind...) maybe once i decided i was going to stay up all night i had a little more caffeine, i mean, there was hardly anything left in the pepsi bottle, so i downed that at i don't know, midnight... i did read some of the stuff that i should i have read long ago to do this paper... i stopped after a little over 2 hours and watched tv for a little less than an hour, then i started to look something up on the internet, but that got me off on a tangent, maybe i was online for 40 minutes and my eyes were so glazed over i couldn't see alright, so around 4:00 i decided to lie down and set the alarm for 1.5, maybe 2 hours... and i'm lying in bed, eyes closed and thinking about stuff, i can't really say what because i wasn't trying to think about anything and my heart is racing i can remember when i was little and my mom thought i was faking a stomach ache to get out of school or whatever and she'd always say if your heart wasn't racing you weren't really going to throw up, so i spent the next however many years with one hand on my stomach and one ove my heart, and she's right, your heart races before you throw up... i was lying on my side and i could hear and feel my heartbeat in my ear, and it was echoeing and keeping me awake, not that having a racing pulse and a tight stomach wouldn't do that anyway, but i just couldn't get away from the sound i don't even remember what i was thinking or what eventually happened, except i added some time to the alarm thinking i could still sleep for 1.5 hours when it went off i added 20 more minutes, then later 30 more minutes, then i eventually slept through 2 hours of it going off (the radio playing) amd woke up without enough time to do the paper and turn it in today (which just makes it another day late) did i mention that this has never happened to me before... (the panic attack part that is) i talked to the professor too i just told her, there is a reason i didn't do the papers and i sort of told her it was hard, she wanted me to say it in front of the class (meaning there were people in the room) but i think i got this look of terror on my face because she offered to take me to her office i didn't even look at her, i don't know what her physical reaction was, whatever, i don't really care anyway, she was understanding as to why i didn't do it, but i'm not getting any breaks as far as my grade goes i didn't ask for one and i didn't expect it, and if i had gotten one who even knows if i would have taken advantage... but later i was thinking how i got the same reaction from her by saying "my therapist tells me i'm depressed and it's affecting my life" as i did from other professors i told "i just didn't do it" any, the other professors i told the d-word to were all understanding and stuff - not that that changes what i am now calling my anxiety level skipping ahead a few hours now that's i've wasted more time... i was listening to winamp and this long random playlist i have and i had such a strong reaction with my stomach tightness thing i clicked stop (i don't usually free associate things with songs, so i'm lost...) anyway, i couldn't stand the silence, so eventually i turned it back on, and then after a while i was listening to this song, sort of in the background and i guess the melody or something just made me have to turn off winamp again and that's when i lost interest in typing this something else i planned to say was about how i never cry anymore when did i ever cry, when i was little and i skinned my knees and stuff i don't cry at funerals or movies or whenever all kinds of stuff happens that would make anyone else cry, but then every so often (not that often) i cry for no obvious reason (or the obvious reason isn't the real reason, i guess) this actually made me remember a little of what i was saying before i was saying that it was on aol because i have no other internet access right now and i was looking at by buddy list and there were like 8 people, some who i know in real life and just don't talk to anymore (or, haven't talked to in years, if that's more definitive) and some were people i talk to in chat rooms all the time so it was late, and the chat rooms were empty, and i was pondering whether i should instant message one of them and say hey wanna talk or can i talk to you or something and i was saying how it would come as a shock to that person because my online personality doesn't accurately portray how fucked up my life is i had some other rationaliztion why i wouldn't do that, i think i was getting to the point that that changes a "relationship" (although inter-personal skills and the internet are complication) plus, i'm not about to just im someone and bitch or vent or whatever and that's pretty personal, very personal, and personal in a very different way than i am in a chat room this is going nowhere i think i made some comment about dishonesty and how holding stuff back forces one to lie without getting back into that i'll just say that when people ask you how you're doing they want you to say fine if i don't say fine and give a reason why i'm not fine (big if) i'm not about to answer with any real in depth reason to such a trivial/informal question, but still, it's really a lie it keeps adding up back to something i started at before as i was staring at my buddy list, or maybe a little before, my eyes got a little moist i blinked, and they were brimming with what i'll assume were tears i can't really say i cried, cause no tears dripped down and i didn't wipe them away or anything, but combine that with the stomach thing i keep refering to and i was on the verge of tears maybe that's part of what had me ready to im someone, i don't really know i think my voice sounded like i was going to cry today before my professor asked me into her office i might cry tomorrow in counseling where would that get me really if i started to feel better would i resolve anything, or would this just happen again next time around? posted by Jenny on 7/10/2002 10:38:00 PM |
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i didn't want to wait til tomorrow to type all of the things racing (ok, jogging) through my head. for starters, yes, i told him i didn't want to be his friend anymore. he said that he hadn't been a very good friend lately. (damn straight!) i had originally (last night) thought that i wanted him to ask me why so i could tell him a bunch of stuff, but then after i had told him i really just wanted him to agree with me and lie down and accept it. unfortunately all of a sudden he wanted to talk. he said knew for awhile that we weren't going to make it as boyfriend and girlfriend. that was the first time he'd used the words "boyfriend" or "girlfriend." we never did talk about our status that way. i mean, look at what i call him, my pseudo-boyfriend. this started a pattern of him pointing out things that were my fault and that he recognized it was over before now, he just didn't say anything. (i typed i really good paragraph with some insight up until this point, but i closed the window and forgot it, damn.) i suppose it would have been vindictive to sit there and turn it all back on him or point out his faults. i suppose it's even more vindictive to make it the next girl's problem. the im's just kept coming. the only thing i really responded to was at one point he asked about something i said to him in a chat room the other day. i answered. he brought it up again but the second time it was more accusatory in nature. (just to back up, this happened on friday, he got real bothered by it, but just went away instead of asking me about it, i knew he was upset, so the next day i called him and apologized, we talked about it a little, then we talked about his day and whatnot. later that night he catches me online and starts asking all of these convoluted questions so i finally tell him i'll answer honestly, just be more specific. so then we talk about it again, and i try to explain the whole thing, and i ask him if we're ok, no answer... and now he's going to bring it up again? how many times do i have to explain i didn't mean what he thinks i meant? i really didn't, i swear). so now i'm being criticized for something that i've always felt is a double standard. damn, i didn't use the word double standard. anyway, i told him what he said was unfair and i gave two examples why, and he said he didn't understand one and chose to look at the other in a very limited way. (sort of like, what specifically was said this one time as opposed to behaving one way when in a chat room and another when you're not). so at this point i'm realizing that i could very easily just let loose and tell him a lot of the problems i had with the way i was being treated. but here's the thing... i don't want to be his friend anymore. he's been ignoring me on and off for awhile, and lately it's been pretty bad and there's not much inbetween to grasp at. so what am i hoping to achieve? to be able to be friends? that's like an insult to all of a sudden want to be my friend because we've broken up. where was he yesterday? and as i'm deciding more and more i don't want to talk to him, he's sending more and more long winded im's. so i finally just say "can we try and let it go now?" and then goodbye. the irony here being that this is probably the first, last and only time i managed to keep him out of that damned chat room. (ok, i should probably explain that, cause it's been one of my chief complaints for awhile, it just hasn't made the journal...) i see myself more and more finding aol unimportant to me. i can surf the internet all day long (being unemployed does that), and i used to play chat games at night. sometimes i'd just sit there going from one hour to the next. then i started to question why, because it clearly wasn't as enjoyable a pursuit as it should have been if i was doing it that many hours and whatnot. so as it becomes less and less important to me i would find myself hanging around not in the room for an hour during the last game to talk to him afterwards and whatnot. and he was always in the rooms... he was before i knew him... and i didn't expect him to change. but when it started to be night after night that he would be online for 3 hours, spend the whole time in the chat room and then maybe send me an im to tell me what he had for lunch, and then another 2 hours later to say good night i got annoyed. i mean, i don't like being shoved aside for something that i find unimportant. and i didn't want to say anything because unimportant is how i prioritize it. so then when i would be there it would tend to be just for him. and his personality is very different. well, plus no one there knew we were "together", so maybe he had to act a certain way towards me... but anyway, he was like this larger than life, had to be the center of attention, ugly charicature of himself. and i couldn't stand it. so when he would follow me in to a room i was already in, it got ugly a few times. and now i should back up (again). yes i met him online, but that wasn't what attracted me to him. when i met him, it wasn't to become a couple or anything. and nothing happened that first time. but after i met him i really liked him and then it started to seem like a possiblity and then it eventually happened. and i still like him. but there are things that are bigger than that that make it too hard for me to be with him. last night i was thinking about how his ex once told me "you'll never change him" (she just offered that, we weren't even close to hooking up at that point). it's funny, cause i took it like well, a. she was bitter "i couldn't make it work, so you won't either" and b. she meant in his real life. the funny thing is, it's this other stuff that's never going to change. so then i was thinking... i know i've told him that he gives her hope by continuing to pursue a friendship with her... but i was thinking... the way he kept im-ing me tonight... i mean, if he wants to try and talk like friends like tomorrow... and then again on friday... no wonder she's always rehashing their relationship with him if that's what he does! damn, i hate that i might understand that pyscho now. damn damn damn well anyway, this aol stuff is a moot point, they cancelled my account for a tos violation, i've been working this with aim and another dialup. besides, you can't correct the mistake after the fact. and really, what is the point of saying now what we could have done? we didn't try very hard when we could have. life doesn't give you second chances. it seems like he wants closure. life usually doesn't give you closure. if i had a choice between closure and a second chance i'm not sure i'd take either. i think if he had a choice he'd take closure. i don't think i can give him that. i'm not sure i'd know how to anyways. posted by Jenny on 7/10/2002 09:56:00 PM |
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blah blah blah! he just wants to keep talking about this. ok, we agreed it wasn't going to work... i'm surfing ebay looking for pictures of action figures i had when i was kid, and the im's keep coming. look, i've already put up the wall of disinterest, go me. (although at one point i went over to my bed and hugged my security blanket, cause sometimes i girl needs her blanket) i wonder how much longer i should let this go on before i tell him he hasn't im-ed me this many times in a week... posted by Jenny on 7/10/2002 07:59:00 PM |
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i woke up today knowing i was going break up with the pb... i knew yesterday too. monday night i woke up in the middle of the night and i was thinking about it and it's really what i have to do. i was thinking, i could end it now and maybe feel better in a month or i can put it off for a month and still be in the same place. it's pretty sad too, because i'll miss having him as a friend, but then again, as it is now, i don't really want to be his friend. so really what i'm missing is what a cool person he used to be, something he just really hasn't been lately (to me anyways). i suppose i miss that now as it is. then i thought about calling him... but why the fuck am i always calling? it's his choice to be online all the time... and to ignore me most of that time... and it just seems like that's something that is less and less important to me. and maybe it's unfair to expect his priorities to change because my have, but it still sucks to feel less important than a stupid chat room. so now it's come down to how to dump someone in an im... i was going to kick around ideas, and even though he admittedly doesn't read my journal (it's too long) i thought better of it... well, then as i was typing this he im's me to tell me about what he ate for lunch... who fucking cares? inner turmoil here! yeah, so then he asked what was new with me... my inner dialogue: you really wanna know? still talking this one out right now, although i don't really have anything to say. i mean, if he asks why i'll tell him, but i don't really have anything to say to him anymore, ya know, except "leave me alone you're a shitty friend to me." posted by Jenny on 7/10/2002 07:43:00 PM |
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wMonday, July 08, 2002 | |
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yeah, so the other night i did eventually sign off, and then after like 40 minutes i decided i needed to run housecall.antivirus.com (which i highly recommend, and did i mention it's totally free) on my sister's computer. so i'm debating, do i use her name since she stores her password, and risk one of her friends im-ing me, or just figure that after this long mr. i'm-not-talking-to-you has gone to bed... so i sign on and he's still there, grrr whatever, i don't want to talk to him, i'll just put up and away message... so 20 minutes later i'm like, what the hell, check to see if anyone's im-ed you... he has, all he says is "apparently i can sleep in my computer chair." ok, bullshit, i don't believe for 1 minute that he has narcolepsy. and falling asleep in the computer chair (which isn't THAT comfortable, i've been in it...) is something he's said 2-3 times already. plus, we were actually having like a quasi-serious discussion, something he wanted to talk about, and he's just gonna fall asleep? so he asks how long it's been since he im-ed me, and of course, i don't answer for awhile cause it's my away message... but i just simply told him it had been over an hour. also, i think i have to stop calling him the pb, cause people who know him have started to refer to him as that. and i went to see the allergist's wife with my grandma. i've been dying to see that ever since i saw a thing about it on tv when i was in new york, it looked so good. we were in the 2nd row, they were having a threesome right in front of us, yikes! then we went out for sushi and she refused to try raw fish (although she totally eats steak tartar) it was really good though. and funny. my sister thinks the grandmother character is a perfect combination of our 2 grandmas. as we were leaving some self-proclaimed know-it-all theater guy was saying very loudly how this show doesn't play to a non-new york audience (maybe i'll say the same thing about the producers when it comes here next year, since i saw it in new york, mwahahaha), i kinda was thinking how it played find to me, being jewish and having a jewish mother and grandmothers, hehe, oh well, let him live his little wasp existential existence, whatever. (i shouldn't say wasp, that's not nice, bad me!) ok, so like i said, then we went out for sushi, woohoo. at this place, caterpillar rolls were $13.50 my sister really really likes caterpillar rolls. i just really like them. anyway, we didn't get one, cause we knew our parents were totally gonna stick grandma with the bill. there were 6 of us and it cost $98. on the one had sushi is expensive... on the other, my grandma didn't have any... and did we really need 3 desserts? plus, i don't get why we had to go to such an expensive sushi place when there's a really good one 2 blocks from our house... my aunt kept spouting off (shouting off really) about how fresh this place was... i didn't think it looked any more fresh than just about every other place i've been to. (well, ok, the tuna rolls at the supermarket don't look fresh, ever.) they also put fish eggs in their california roll. ick ick eew. those little things get on everything... they were all over the table, on the water glass, on my mom's shirt... i was thinking, if you flooded the place, the might hatch! and by the time we were waiting for dessert, i'd had enough of the fishy smell, a sure sign you've chosen poorly. ;) and finally... (for now) i have a group interview on thursday to be an audience page for $6.75 an hour, 10 hours per week... (hardly enough to buy sushi, but worth it none-the-less) the information line said it was a "uniform job". they provide pants and a jacket... you think the purpose of this interview is to see if my fat ass will squeeze into a standard pair of pants? i mean, this IS l.a., so everything clotheswise is 3 sizes smaller, right? posted by Jenny on 7/08/2002 02:12:00 PM |
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wThursday, July 04, 2002 | |
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im-ing with the pb right now... i thought i'd use this opportunity to catch a few things up. well, i mean, the im had all but fallen silent. i realized i had only been staring at the stalled im for 7 minutes and decided i needed something else to do... (ok, now it's been 12 minutes, am i obessesing?) on the day i had the interview with apple this guy from the governor's campaign called me while i was on the freeway and asked if i wanted to go to some protest at the wannabe governor's event. seeing as how i was feeling useless i said yes. i was on the news as a "heckler", my parents taped it. a few days before that i went (during that damn laker parade) to try and register voters at this even where they swore in 7,000 new citizens. it was like the happiest day of there peoples lives, pretty cool. plus, i got asked to take a lot of people's pictures next to a statue of liberty cut you, that was nifty too. anyway, i handed out a ton of letters from the governor and said congratulations to a lot of people. i got one woman who asked me a question about her form and i answered her and offered to turn it on for her. she registered republican. (they told me "convert! go after her, convert!", but i didn't want to) then another woman gave me her form and her husband ran up and snatched it from me and said they'd mail it in from home. (typical... i don't mean to sound like an asshole, but i worked on a get the vote thingy once and more often than not what you hear from women registered to vote but who don't actually vote is that they have to talk to their husband about voting, whatever...) oh, and i was pleasantly surprised that i didn't see anyone getting sworn in in laker outfits. prolly the only 7,000 people in this city who weren't totally insane that day. so anyway, i coulda gone again to do that yesterday, but i didn't. then they called and asked if i could be on stand-by to come in yesterday and tomorrow to work on this invitation mailing. i was there for 3 hours in the office yesterday, but we totally finished, so i didn't have to go back. actually, it was pretty cool, i don't really mind mindless office tasks, as long as i don't have to get all dressed up to do them. i had some stuff to say about this other job i was working on, but now it's been 23 minutes and i'm way too hampered by my insecurity now to type about that. he's still totally online... ok, 24 minutes and i'm going to ask a generic (and hopefully safe) question... no answer... tick tock tick tock... ticktockticktockticktock! boys! hmpf! should i ask if there's an international symbol (or an im smiley) for not talking to someone? is that too adversarial? too sarcastic maybe? i'm not even sure it's fair... i mean, it's possible he's been brushing his teeth for the last 6 minutes and not answering my im! (i suppose i would avoid this if i didn't time stamp the things, i suppose...) ok, here's what i've decided, he's not likely to im and totally freak out from my non-response in the time it takes me to run downstairs and get a bottle of water and get my cell phone (cause goddammit, it has started giving me an error message if i leave it in the charger too long), so that's what i'm gonna do, and that's a good time to publish this before i just totally obsess over the fact that it's been 9 fucking minutes and even 4 out of 5 dentists say he's over doing it with the brushing! posted by Jenny on 7/04/2002 11:38:00 PM |
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wTuesday, July 02, 2002 | |
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i haven't done this in awhile, so here goes... 
red velvet cake, yum. (only problem is, there's red crumbs everywhere, and man does that stuff stain...) 
i was bored, i colored on myself, it finally washed off completely 3 days later... 
my new offensive shirt! 
my new pumas. pumas are cool. posted by Jenny on 7/02/2002 05:38:00 PM |
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